“I’ve never had sex. In fact, it scares the heck out of me. But I desire it. I long for it. But the thought of having sex with someone not my wife brings all imaginations of consequences in my head and plays like horror movie. My sense returns immediately”.
These are the words of Chizurum Agupusi, a young Christian man when asked how he manages to handle the pressures of staying pure in this present society.
The month of February is purported to be the month of love. Specifically, February the 14th, St. Valentine’s Day is hailed as the day of love and to some people, romance. This day comes with a lot of expectations as the men are subtly pressured to dazzle their ladies, with lovely gifts. It is also when some people, in their twisted way of thinking, give up that one precious gift to their partners – sex.
For the Christian single, the difference is the decision to remain pure amidst the pressure to follow the crowd. Those in relationships expect to have a good time on that day and those ‘super-single’ find that day the appropriate time to declare Jesus as ‘the best partner ever’.
In spite of the admonition to Christian singles to remain pure and abstain from sex and of course the commitment to do so, it must be acknowledged that remaining pure proves a challenge to many.
For Chizurum, although he hasn’t quite seen the lady who is suited to his tastes to make him yield to the urge to have sex, there is the pressure to settle for what you see while waiting. That, he says, is his main challenge. “So, you see yourself flirting with one and mid-way, realise you shouldn’t be doing it and then you stylishly ‘use play’ to end the whole thing. Let’s say I have a playful way of maintaining the friendship after flirting, without repeating the mistake.”
Oluchi Nyere (not real name), admits dealing with temptation all the time. “Personally, what helps me is the fact that God hates it. He said it expressly in His word, so when situations to compromise come up, I just have to try to remind myself that God’s word stands sure no matter the standpoint of the society,” he says.
For Isaac Nwodo, it is the simple fear and respect he has for his father and the lessons he has been taught from childhood that have remained his principles and guided him till date.
Zizi Ama (not real name) is a lecturer in a university, a typical ground for the expression of individual freedom, by both students and lecturers. But Ama has a coping mechanism, which he recommends for every Christian desirous of maintaining their chastity. “If you are two years younger than me then we have no business hanging out because you’re not going to be useful to me,” he says.
In resisting the female students who sometimes try to get close for favours, he expressly states that “it is plain wrong! For me, it is exploitative, there’s an imbalance of power and the obvious fact that it is a sin.”
Emmanuel Joel is a virgin and says that it is more difficult to resist when one faces the pressures from one’s mates. “Several times, I have been called impotent, weak, a hermaphrodite. During service, a guy said with the way my eyes are, he could tell I am suffering from a sickness caused by chastity. In final year, my roommates cajoled me to a point where I almost believed I had a hormonal imbalance. But for a taxi driver, who encouraged me, I might have fallen”.
Fierce Battle for Some
Every time Doris Omoba (not real name) engaged in premarital sex, it was because she thought she could stand on her own. “I learnt it’s sincerely not about spirituality, though it’s important; it’s not all about praying, though it’s important. I learnt it’s all about obedience. For every single time I failed sexually it was because I wasn’t or I didn’t obey. I wasn’t listening. I didn’t listen when my Helper said: ‘Don’t start a chat with this guy’.”
For those who had previously been sexually active, they insist that the battle is fiercer for them as they must fight every time to ignore their natural desires.
Lucy Ayo (not real name), says bluntly that she sometimes misses the feelings. “I miss a man’s touch; sometimes I desperately crave to be held, especially during the cold nights. I imagine what it means to be kissed but then I remember whose I am, whom I am meant to represent and I sober up.”
Grace and Boundaries
A chorister in her local assembly, Laurel says; “When I am tempted I take it to the Lord, and I’m so real about it, I don’t mince words. I tell Him how I feel about it. I always tell the Lord; ‘My heart is overwhelmed, please take me by the hand and lead me to the Rock that’s higher than I am’. Sometimes I play some music, some other times I fantasise, nothing creepy or dirty, rather, about my future family.”
For most, they believe that one way to handle impurity is by being accountable. They suggest that having a spiritual head over one’s life is the best deliverance from sexual sin while others who may not be comfortable with telling their pastors suggest the need to have a friend who is readily available.
Zizi calls it having a ‘shrink’, “Someone who lives with you in the same place and can tell you the truth”. He adds that the danger of sin is in the secrecy and suggests openness and a willingness to break away from isolation.
Jide Dike (not real name) expatiates; “I stay connected with genuine mature believers who I can be very open with to share my struggles and temptations. I keep myself accountable to them. Accountability is key. Associate with the right people and keep them and ultimately, yourself, accountable.”
For Laurel, a every girl or lady should know her weaknesses and must build her defence based on these.
And does one handle the challenge of the Internet? “I try not to shoot myself in the leg by watching sexually appealing stuffs especially on YouTube because the truth is that such things can arouse…. For example, last week, I followed a link to BBN (Big Brother Nigeria) and I began to watch some of their videos and as I was doing that I could hear that Voice (The Holy Spirit) tell me that I shouldn’t be watching that gory stuff. At that point my body was resisting the caution but at some point, I had to stop. I was like what if God was physically there with me?” says Oluchi.
For John Ugwu (not real name), taking a public stand is the best defence for him. “I have music that keeps me on my toes. I stay away from places that might suggest impropriety. I make it clear to anyone that might be interested in foul play, that I am in love with someone else, and that I’m not interested in fooling around. I announce myself as a Christian wherever I go. So, people usually are uncomfortable to use swear words around me, not to talk of suggesting sexual immorality with me.”
For the ones in relationship, it is much better to be in a relationship with a believer than a nonbeliever as it would be easier to mutually create boundaries to help one another.
“When it comes to dating, just set boundaries from the start of the relationship, and you and your partner agree that sex is not up for discussion (you can talk about sex but not talk about having sex). Guard your heart with scriptures, especially those ones reminding you of who you are and why you should keep away from sexual immorality. Talking more on dating, you must understand yourself (and your body). You and your partner must be brutally honest about your feelings,” says Jide.
Comfort gives what she considers a brutally honest opinion on the subject. “For a long while, I’ve not thought about this – keeping or not keeping myself. It took me a while to process the question,” she says.
“The last time I thought about it was during my past relationship, years ago. We were sexually active and I’d vow not to go back but break it the next time we see. Then the Lord found me and I started to know Him personally, it was, and still is a fulfilling union. I sent a text to my boyfriend that it was over and though this would not be the first time, it was the last. It was a new life for me. In all ways, an all-round mindset and how I viewed myself.
“Since then I have either been consumed with Him, how to make my life more impactful, how to make money, how to settle many things that need my attention and so it’s been a while I thought on how to keep myself. This may be possible, because I don’t have a boyfriend.”
She continues, “Now, I’d be lying if I said my flesh didn’t feel the heat especially those few days and weeks after the break up but, it was like I was ‘seeing’ the Lord for the first time and in many ways, I can say I was. There was this appetite to just read the Word and other Christian books and pray and hear Him. It was so interesting that I was lost in it.
Even now, Comfort admits that remaining chaste is still a struggle. “I still get mushy and horny, blame it on the hormones. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I go to the office, do my work and ignore them. Looks like the hormones have a mind of their own. Well, I have a mind of my own too. When I get into a relationship and probably the ‘struggle’ gets real, then, we’d review this topic again.”
It’s All About Grace
Damien David, a former campus Pastor and currently serving youth Pastor tells why he avoids sexual impurity:
“Firstly, God’s word says to (abstain). And even before looking at all the risks and dangers of premarital sex, I want to align with God. It’s innate in us as believers, His seed is in me, and I delight to do His will. Even the Christians who constantly or regularly dabble, would wish they could just press a button and have it checked.”
Speaking about the believers who use grace as an excuse to continue in sin, he stresses; “Well, I’d say, one cannot focus on grace and remain in fornication. Mark the words focus and remain – not possible. The grace of God is too powerful for that to happen. I know, the grace of God can be frustrated (made ineffective). But that occurs by neglecting it, which is the exact opposite of focus.
“To focus is akin to making your eye single (as Jesus called it); your body will be full of light, or the power of whatever truth you’re focusing on. That power will eventually break the habit. Now, there are folks who taunt grace and use it as a front. They have not focused on grace. What they have, at best, is Grace-Philosophy, that is mere head knowledge”.
Zizi brings this reminder that could help every single Christian out there desiring to keep themselves till marriage. He gives this advice; “Before you go out each morning, pray to God. I especially love the part in the Lord’s prayer that says ‘…and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from all evil….’
“That is my saving grace, knowing that I am only flesh and blood, I have come to solely depend on the Holy Spirit and listen to his voice so that even if I am at the brink of falling, he would surely deliver me from that situation.”